moments of clarity

So I have this tendency of just talking without thinking about what i'm saying first. it's not that I haven't thought about the things that I say because i am in my head all the time, but i just have this tendency to say extremely ridiculous things with no sense of shame whatsoever.

Case in point, Saturday night my roommates "went big." this is what we say we are gonna do on nights when we all really feel the need to dance and pump fists and have just a great free time. So for a whole week before every time I see O on his way to the bathroom he will say "we're going big this weekend! going big!!" i mean our lives are pretty uneventful so the thought of "going big" tends to get us through the week. to top off our going big night i also had a grad school recruit in town. To anyone who has ever done a recruitment thing it's a very emotional time because thye ask you all kinds of questions like "do you like it here" and "what is dating like" and "do you regret going to gad school." I mean basically you have to answer all of the questions that are constantly going through your head 24/7 only now you have to somehow convince someone that this choice you made was a good idea. so needless to say Annette and I were feeling extremely emotional. I was sleeping in Bert's bed because he was not home and i let the recruit sleep in my bed. And somewhere between the shot, finding a VIP room and my 3rd vodka gimlet i found myself in line for the restroom with Annette. Here is what I apparently said (she just reminded me this right now as we were watching tv)

"Annette, we cannot cry tonight. It's your fucking birthday and if you want to cry wait until we get home and cry there with people who know and care about you. And if you want, I'm going to sleep in Bert's bed tonight and you can join me and we can cry together and then we will leave him a note and it will say 'tears were shed here. signed, Cri and Annette'."

I do not remember saying this but as seems to be the case quite often I am not that surprised that these words came out of my mouth. It is just enough melodrama to assure me that i said this. In addition, it is also something that i was feeling. But i find it odd how sometimes you can feel something very strongly and not express it. And then days later realized that in some drunken moment of clarity you actually DID express it and someone else saw your POV and also shared a moment with you.

So what actually happened? you might ask. I did cry sort of on public on a street corner one block from my house. I couldn't even make it that fucking block. isn't that just the shit right there