LA is Ridic

This weekend was truly Cray Cray. I've discovered so many things being back in LA namely that i've changed! I am so not LA! but i am also not SF. It's like...i'm in a state of limbo. but this past weekend i saw 2 very different parts of LA. Cathy took me to this dive bar called "Alex's Bar." It's the kind of place that has no sign but you have to walk behind an alley to get into it. in fact if you asked me now where it is i definitely would not be able to find it. The bar looked kind of like a barn with very strange decor of Elvis paintings mixed with MLK paintings, a zapata painting, and old mexican art with demons on it. Totally random. but it was the bar patrons that truly made me say "i need a drink!" It was Rockabilly kids mixed with the occasional Britney Spears look alikes. As usual i began to wonder "where the hell do these people live?" For those who don't know, rockabilly people basically dress like 50's greasers meet hillbilly. Like how in SF hipsters are modern fashion meets 80's rockabilly is modern meets 50's. Also these kids were kind of like living the lives that hipsters in SF pretend to live. Like their clothes was actually from goodwill and not marc jacobs. Basically they didn't swear. Anyways cathy's friend kept talking about dancing so i was eeemagining getting down to some "SOS" and grinding. Well i walk in only to find a 4'11 johnny cash look alike who had a state of the art karaoke machine and was taking requests. It was so bizarre. he was short and old and had huge hair and then was singing a wierd rockabilly version of Prince's "kiss" and Tom Jones songs. I hit the bar for a drink only to be shocked again. 3.75 for drinks!!! Dear god this is like heaven! This is what drinking in teh suburbs is all about. Anyways by the time we showed up everyone else in the bar was completely trashed and falling literally falling all over the place. And women were throwing themselves and the man i would laterly discover was "the legendary Phil Shane."


Would you throw yourself at this man?

Actually these are pretty young pics of him cuz he looked like he was in his 60's and old man could move. But serioulsy people were dancing like there was something to dance to. It was one of the best people watching experiences of my life. I imagine a lot of the women there shopped at Torrid, and that speaks volumes.

Saturday i went and did the other side of LA, the West Side. I was in Paris Hilton's stomping ground and wow what a totally different experience. I can now see why people hate LA. Angelinos of the west side variety really do suck. I went out with Silvia who lives in the "cool" part of LA. i was informed that we would initially be hanging out at "savage's" house (for those who are not in the know this is Ben Savage of the Corey Matthews fame) so I wore some really high heels that I knew i could stand a little bit in. I figured we'd be sitting down most of the time so it didn't matter. Wrong! change of plan. First we walked from her friend's apartment to the beverly center. And i kept thinking of that song "walking in LA? Walking in LA? Nobody walks in LA!" Cuz seriously i have walked miles in flat shoes throughout the hills of San Fran but to be walking in 4 inch heels 7 blocks to the Beverly Center....IN LA!!! That was just wrong. Anyways we met up with some of her peeps who were not necessarily worth describing other than they were the guys who once we got to the club starting high fiving each other on the dancefloor. But one good thing about them was that they were so desperate to get into this club that thye paid for our cover. So we ended up on the Sunset at a club called "Privilege." No, that was not my typo, that was for reals what it was called. Two words...they swear. Anyways they had a normal people's entrance and a red carpet, vip entrance. Oh LA... So after much discussion the guys decided that they wanted to get in at all cost so they tipped the bouncer, huge giant man, some undisclosed amount and we got in. Woo got into club for free! The inside was like...i dont' exactly know what the decor was. It was kind of like a den of sin, very dark, with little alcoves of tables for people who payed alot. And then the dancefloor was actually outside but you couldn't tell it was outside because it was covered in a canopy roof with a chandelier. And surrounding the dancefloor were ropes and this was the cut off point for the vip area. I was wondering who i would see that night but never in my wildest dreams did i think that i would see the pauly shore!! god i love him! And i'm beign legit cuz i actually own encino man and son in law...on dvd! Pauly has not aged well. he looks really old and he kept talking to the bouncers pointing out peopel who coudl get in to "his" area and then hiding in the corner liek he swore he was paris hilton. I mean i wanted to be like...Pauly making a cameo as a b list actor in entourage says it all.

Anyways before i knew it my feet were hurting like a bitch. After 4 hours my legs were literally shaking in my heels and i just thought, dear god can i get a seat. Right at that moment i look across the rope and i see Silvia hugging it out with some badly dressed girl and pauly shore! What the fuck. This is such a silvia thing to do. So i flag her over and im' like....um how did you get into the vip area? And she says that she snuck in, so i looked around, none of the bouncers were paying attention, i slid under the rope and voila! I was in the vip area! And they had so many seats everywhere so i plopped down on one. Turns out the girl that silvia was holding up was named Lauren and it was her birthday and she was wearing a laced blue bra as a top. Anyways pauly was feeling her up and motioned with his hands that he wanted to get her a drink and said these exact words "do you want a drinky pooo? Let's get you a drinky poo." So random. Anyways he told her to sit down and wait for him to bring back her drinky poo and she tried to sit near me but ended up falling into the lap of some dude who immediately put his arms around her and started feeling her up while he texted on his t mobile sidekick. Then i realized that this man who was sitting next to me, into whose arms lauren had fallen was none other than child star lucas haas!! Sad thing is that no one knows who lucas haas is so i can't really share it with anyone. He's the guy in the picture on the right. He was the little boy from Witness and the kid in that awful winona ryder movie Boys. Anyways he was feeling up our "friend" Lauren. And then i look up and sitting on a speaker is none other than miss Kristen Cavallari herself. She was looking at hot mess. Oh Kristen, she had a pregnancy top tank on and then had her ugly big white bra hanging out. Liek you coudl see the whole back of her bra. Dear lord why. And then i looked to the front of the VIP area and i saw John from the new real world trying to get it telling the bouncer that he was from teh real world but the bouncer was not having it and would not let him in. That was awesome. And then i saw Stephen Dorff walk into the vip area and i said "look silvia, that's stephen dorff" and she said "that guy just grabbed my ass!!" Ah what a night. The bitch who was on teh other side of me apparently didn't like that i was sitting in her space so she had the bouncer kick me out. Damnit! So at that point my feet really did want to die and thankfully we left the club. But what an LA weekend indeed!