I'm alive, i'm a mess

This is a phrase has been uttered by me on many many occasions because sometimes it's the only way to express how i feel. and then today i was talking to Tortor and she was like "my mantra these days is 'i'm alive i'm a mess.'" truth! truth!! Etimology of the phrase. There used to be this awesome singer in the 90's named Heather Nova and her voice was like that of a siren and she would sing these really good strummy la la songs for shows like Dawson's creek and felicity and we all know how much i love dawson's creek and felicity. anyways the songs were just so appropriate to being a woman sometimes. So the lyrics go

I'm coming home to you
i'm alive i'm a mess
...
and it goes on to talking about her man and the rain and how nothing heels her like him and stuff but the line resonates.

anyways i have alwyas felt that these lines really express how i feel on a daily basis, and i often start long emails to my bitches with this phrase. Because really i'm here, i'm focussed, i got my shit together, but goddamn i am a hot mess! And i mean that in the literal and figurative sense. Liek i've got my life in order but i have no fucking clue what i'm doing. And isn't that just the way life is?

so i've been thinking alot about aging, and all this has mainly been prompted by the fact that i found 4 gray hairs, short ones and long ones, while i was blowdrying my hair on saturday night. My first thought was "has it really been this long since i've blow dryed my hair that i didn't even notice i had grays! have i let myself go?" my second thought was "fuck, this is it!" My dad went gray around 24, so my time might actually be up. And then i've been waking up and watching vh1 in the morning as i get ready and they tell me the "hip new artists to watch out for" and the thing is I ACTUALLY LIKE THEIR CHOICE OF HIP NEW ARTISTS! vh1 is cool to me now! and the other day i tried to watch an episode of super sweet 16 and i could not sit through it. and real world....over it. I mean...vh1? and i like to watch shows like "how i met your mother" because it's a really good show! it's about peopel my age trying to find themselves, some of them in grad school. It's liek friends only they hang out at a bar instead of a coffee hous eand they reminisce about college and smoke pot and go on trips and do fun stuff. actualy now that i think about it i'm remembering how we realized one night that the firends characters were all our age when the show started. wow. It's like that scene in when harry met sally when she's like ranting about life and she goes

sally: and i'm going to be 40!!
harry: when??
sally: someday!
harry: in 8 years
sally: but it's there. It's just sitting there like some big dead end.

and she goes on to weep, but i think if we substituted this with 30 it woudl kind of show you exactly how i feel. I'm alive, i'm a mess.

So anyways to all the ladies out there. If you come home, throw down your keys and your gloves, throw on some pj's, heat up a lean cuisine because sometimes cooking can be draining, and you cuddle up with your television remote to a nice gchat conversationwiht friends, then you too are alive but a mess, and you know what, that is ok.

on another note i think i'm getting too old for online communities like facebook and myspace. any thoughts on this? it's just something i've been thinking about.