can i have a melo moment, guys?

Ok i'm feeling very blah and i feel that as a public service announcement to those who are considering going to grad school i have to tell you what it's really like. And i'm not saying that you shouldn't go i'm just saying...it sucks sometimes. My friends came over to watch Heroes tonight. This has become our weekly routine partially because we love the show and partially because we are just really lonely and need to be around others. Afterwards people left and Nishi stayed behind to watch grey's anatomy from last week and we got to talk and wondering "are we depressed?" so the first thing we did was we pulled out the DSM IV (because there can still be comedy in moments of pain), to try to see if we could categorize our feelings. We definitely did not have mania nor did we have severe depression and we didn't have seasonal affective disorder. And what we concluded was that we were just really really lonely. But as i've said before it's not a loneliness that i can really put into words. it's unlike anything i have ever felt before. It's the end of the semester and we agreed that the motivation levels was really really low and i thought that maybe what we were feelings was a great sense of ennui. and she said, what is that and i said "you know, like....blah." anyways we started thinking of everyone we knew, friends and not friends in grad school and truth be told we could not come up wiht one person that we knew who was truly happy. even the married people in grad school are depressed. and the reason all of us hang out together so much is that if we're not together we're alone and no one wants to be alone. And then we started thinking, what is better: to be with someone and not be alone and be dependent on them and not be able to live wihtout them or to be alone and learn to live that way because in the end aren't we just alone? or maybe just us grad students are always alone. And i don't know exaclty what it is about this lifestyle that makes it so lonely and isolating but it is. then Jen called and Nishi was like "dude, we're talking about how lonley we are" and Jen said something that really resonated with me. She said "I am sitting in my empty bathtub with no water, just...sitting here." I know she meant it literaly but it kind of spoke volumes about how we feel all the time. A lot of times i feel liek i am sitting in a bathtub alone wiht no water. so i'm just throwing this out there to the blogosphere, are any of us really happy and does anyone actually feel good when they are alone? I'm listening to Joni Mitchell right now, so depressing, but sometimes you need that.

"I wish i had a river i could skate away on. I wish i had a river so long, i would teach my feet to fly. "

so anyways don't worry because i'm not depressed i think i'm just a little too introspective and know a bit too much about how the brain works which can lead to alot of these moments. I'm just lacking passion. could this be what john mayer refers to as a quarter life crisis? Is anyone else feeling this??????