"All,
After a week of gay-ness of ridiculous magnitude, Bobby and I have returned to the straight world, hung-over and desensitized. The trip was so gay in fact, that Bobby and I could not help but give it the title of "Joteria 2006," a name that perfectly captures the extent of shameless homosexuality that was experienced. For all of you non-spanish speakers, a "joto" refers to a pansy boy or a homosexual and, by a simple stretching of the term, we get "joteria," or the flamboyant display of gayness, gayness at its best. GAY! We genuinely feel that what we experienced was unique and untranslateable, but we have pieced together a collection of quotes spoken by us and others that we met throughout the trip to give you, our friends, a mere taste of Joteria 2006 in all its brilliant and pink glory. This might be a little long, but it will definitely not be boring. Ask us to elaborate on any of these events.
Photographs are coming via bobby's email in a short time, so keep on the look out. We took a total of 300 delicious photos and we are condensing it all.
1. "There is a certain level of taste…" - Yes. This is a saying that Bobby and I tossed around at the appropriate moments of our trip, namely when the taste level plummeted to an unsavory degree. For example, Deck 12 1/2 was appropriately called "The Goo Deck" because of the lascivious activities that took place there at night. I caught a glimpse of it when John, our fun Filipino friend from SF led me to the deck one night during a party to find a group of about 30 men huddled in a dark corner, shoulder-to-shoulder, engaging in public displays of affection that were certainly new to me. Needless to say, this situation deserved the remark.
2. "I need to wash this escargot juice off of my pants." - My exclamation after dinner at the "Reflections" Dining Room where I tried escargot for the first time. I had to wash the stains of utter decadence from my pants after I spilled the slimy sucker on my lap.
3. "What about theeeeeeeeeeeeeese IDs?" - Bobby and I reminiscing about the time when Nuria slurred this drunken statement in front of a bar hop when asked for her driver's license, which she sadly left at home. She proceeded to posture her plentious rack in hopes of getting in using her feminine advantages. She was let into the bar on a technicality: BREASTS = IDs, yes, indeed, THESE IDs. We couldnt help but repeat it over and over until we could laugh no longer.
4. Man 1 to Man 2: "Where did you get your costume?"
Man 2 to Man 1 "Well, I went to the San Diego Naval Base, fucked an officer, and took his clothes" - A conversation that took place at the Solarium bar between a slutty Australian man that hit on me on several occasions and a second man dressed in navy attire. Incidentally, we kept seeing the Aussie walk home with a different man every time we saw him, clarifying for us that he was a fucking whore....hello! there is a certain level of taste!
5. "Why did I eat 9 fries when all I wanted were 2"? - Remark Bobby makes drunk after a party at 4 AM at the Clam Slammer, actually called Wind Jammer, the ship's 24-hour buffet. Running joke was that we called it the Clam Slammer, which is actually a funny name for a lesbian a la carpet muncher etc. The result was hilarity. Bobby actually did pick up 9 fries when all he wanted was 2, evidence of how gluttonous a 24-hour buffet could be.
6. "Can I have 120 seconds"? - Newly-coined Bobby-ism that was thrown in every time I asked if he was ready to move onto the next event or meal. Actually, although the saying was hilarious at the time, it actually proved to be true. After eating a tray full of food or drinking three long islands, a vodka martini, and the ice water from an ice container, you deftintely need 120 seconds before doing anything else.
7. "That's quite the modern arrangement" - This is a phrase that we used when we wanted to avoid coming off as total bitches when we were clearly criticizing someone's relationship. For example, at a nice dinner, we found out that our friends Marc and John had a relationship in which they oftentimes slept with a third and I expressed myself by calling it a "modern arrangement."
8. "Oh honey. You need to take a Barbie nap. Or disco nap. Whatever you prefer" - Vince, a cute and really gay 6' 4" Atlantis staff member introduces us to the "Barbie nap," which is like a disco nap, because it is really little and GAY! He also made the comment that if pirates raided our ship, they would run off with millions of dollars worth of sunglasses. It was true! Everyone had D&G, Chanel, Gucci, Prada, etc.
9. "I don't know, Ivan. Just place it thusly!" - Bobby responding to my asking him where to put his camera.
10. "Thank God we came down to get your camera THREE TIMES!" - Me telling Bobby how we came down to our room from the 80s party to get the camera on three separate occasions! We were so completely wasted that, instead of successfully doing what we came down to do, we just got another drink, took a shot, or put on a song like Maneater and danced while we pounded the next long island. BTW, we were the best dressed at the 80s party as the gays totally let us down that night.
11. "May I be so bold as to ask for a glass of water?" - Bobby's ridiculously funny question at the dinner table. It was proof that we were both acting like prudish and proper old women named Doris and Agnes the whole time. Another occasion of this was when we were at dinner and I asked everyone whether it would be appropriate for me to take the coffee out of the dining room. Well, the cheerful 50 year-old Rick responded to this with "You think THAT is inappropriate! People are fucking in the public bathrooms and you are worried about taking a coffee cup out of the damn ballroom!!"
12. "Ladies and gentlemen. Our departure time has been delayed by one hour as each of you fucking queens felt it necessary to bring 7 bags a piece on board." - Announcement made by Malcom, our hilarious cruise director on the first day as we left late from the San Diego harbor.
13. "OMG. My pant cuffs are soaked through with a combination of Smirnoff Ice and rain" - Bobby's remark after getting back to our room after the Latino Fuego party. There was Vodka everywhere!
14. Me: "Oh Bobby. He is from Riverside!" Bobby: "[Choke] [Cough] That makes me physically ill"." - Bobby responding to the cute guy I met from Riverside.
15. "Well maybe if your dick was as big as your mouth, you might have a FUCKING DATE!" - The lesbian comedian "Papi" responding to a loud male heckler in the crowd that would not shut up.
16. "Is that a humpback whale out there in the channel"? "No, that's just Barbara and her cooler" - Papi in reference to the Dina Shore convention. A shipwrecked lesbian in the ocean. enough said.
17. "I love nude beaches but I can't stand that one. Last time I was there, this 300 pound woman bent over. It was awful. Looked like a frozen TV dinner" - Dinner conversation with an older gay who told us about his experience at a nude beach. THIS is what dinners were like. EEEMAGINE.
18. "You know what would make this perfect sunset even better?… A drink"." - This was me as we watched a perfect sunset when we left Puerto Vallarta. We proceeded to get Tequilla Sunrises.
19. Bobby: "I had seeeeeeeeex." Me: "Me too… twice" - Bobby and I's first words when we woke up after the white party. Scandal ensued, let me tell you. Ask me for further details. The white party was fucking CRAZY. Apparently it went on till like 10 AM, but I noticed people leaving the party to fuck and come back. I mean, Im not innocent in of this, I know, but, just an observation. EEEEmagine an entire pool deck of close to 2000 drunk queens in white skimpy underwear and other costumes dancing and rubbing to their hearts content while dancing to a remix of Whitney Houston's "It's Not Right, But It's Ok"
20. "Can we make a new stateroom rule? Use only tones that would be acceptable in Mariah Carey's house" - Me making a stateroom rule after being hungover after the white party. At this point everything above a whisper is a jarring experience that needed not take place. I imagined Mariah Carey cribs and her soothing lighting and the most comfortable couches "in all the land."
21. Me: "Were you just reading in the tootie?" Bobby: "What the fuck is a tootie?" - For some reason, which I still cannot explain, I called the toilet the tootie and bobby found it incredibly amusing and we used the phrase the entire trip.
22. "SEA PASS!" - The most popular outburst of the trip, mostly because we got to do it every single time we bought a drink. The Sea Pass was our room key AND credit card which we could use to purchase anything from a massage to a drink. So slamming it on the counter eveytime it was used and screaming "SEA PASS!" was the most appropriate thing to do.
There is so much more to say about this trip that is too funny for words, but long-story-short, we could not have had a funner time if we tried. It was just BANANAS. But, on a less funny note, we met some really great guys and couples that were really sweet and have been together for years and years. Bobby and I agreed that the trip made us more proud to be gay men because no other demographic is more fun-loving, whimsical, could have more fun or carry on as much as the gays. Even the cruise crew loves gay cruises because we are fun, tip big, and are generally good guys. AND DRINKERS! They have to stock something like 5 times the amount of alcohol of a normal cruise to keep up with demand. We love the gays! Ask bobby and I to elaborate on anything you read for more detail.
Love,
Ivan and Bobby
GAY!"
Well all of this cruise talk got me reminiscing about my youth and the many cruises i have been on (in fact i TOO ate at the clam slammer 24 hour buffet). But my most favorite cruise of all was the cruise my whole family took in 1986. I felt it very important to juxtapose some photogs of this event so that you can see that cruising has not changed much over the past 20 years (holy shit that is a long time!!)
this is the quintessential cruise photo op. Basically the first day you get there after the boat takes off they make you do a life vest drill where everyone puts on their lifevests and heads up to the lido deck. It's supposed to be a serious event but it always turns into some excuse to take pictures with liquor and bright orange vessssssssts.
and now a shot from 1986. oooh not so different! BTW my dad and uncles broughts suitcases full of liquor "illegally" and this was just day one. eemagine how much liquor they had? eeemagine!!
gay discoing
(i kind of love that random guy in orange with his mouth agape like "oh my FUCKING god!!! that BITCH!!")Discoing in the 80's.
yes that would be my mother being twisted in the cente.r There are so many stories to this picture. So the story goes a) our family was so crazy that even my cousin Jenny who was 8 at the time was partying in the disco until real late (notice her to the left next to the girl in the pink dress, also a member of our party. b) apparenlty the disco was dead so my dad started walking up to random people with his hat and putting his hat on them yelling "when the hat hits you, YOU DANCE!!!" and then performing a little rumba move in front of them. Kind of creepy but as the story goes within 30 minutes that dancefloor was bumpin and the hat was being passed around the discoteca, and for the rest of the cruise people on the ship would see our family and wave with delite. mood makers, indeed! c) my dad used to have this saying that went like this "for every tequila shot a button comes off!" as you can see in this picture the shirt is almost off. nuff said. I hope that this gives you a little glimpse into why i am the way that i am. how could i be normal?beaching in the 2000's
beaching in the 80's. note how greased up everyone is. this was the 80's when coconut oil flowed like water.
Now onto two scary things that should have stayed in the 80's. yes that is me and my dad in a speedo. It's a shameful part of my life but i prefer to put those things out there and i have delt with it. This does not make up for the fact that that speedo did not get retired until 1999.
Ivan and CHARO!!! (this is not photoshopped!) i know i know you are all jealous. I mean fuck, it's charo!
Ivan prepping for the 70's disco party "i can kick stretch and KICK!"
and now i leave you with this image. no words...just...GAY
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