Detroit or bust

Liveblog from LAX!! Did you know that LAX enacted a new policy at some point in the past 2 months whereby you have to arrive at your flight 45 minutes before take off otherwise they will not let you on? 45 minutes! Did you know that there was hella traffic on the 405 this morning such that a trip that would normally take us 15 minutes, 30 minutes with traffic, took us 45 minutes? Did you know that consequently I arrived 43 minutes before takeoff? Did you know that THE JACKASS LADY AT THE NWA COUNTER WOULD NOT CHECK ME ONTO MY FLIGHT NOR WOULD SHE LOOK ME IN THE EYE!! I kept saying, “mam I have 40 minutes. I assure you I can make it.” And she said “no, mam you can’t.” Did you know that LAX was empty and I have now been sitting in front of the terminal where my 8:37 flight was set to take off. Did you know that it is now 8:00? Did you know that they are now giving away my seat to other standby people? Did you know that I have to wait here 3 more hours for the next flight to Detroit? Did you know that I am in the worst terminal ever because all they have is a starbucks and a jetway candy shop? Did you know that I hate my life sometimes?!? No, seriously how wretched is this. When I asked when this policy was enacted they said “oh a very very long time ago.” I call bullshit. I have been flying in and out of LAX for the past 7 years at a frequency of at least 5 times a year and NEVER have they had this policy. I hate you, northwest airlines. How booty is this. Not only do they not give you food on a 5 hour flight, but they also don’t show a movie. The hell! 5 hours?? Seriously I hate Midwestern airlines.

Oh some aZian dude with a Purdue t-shirt is pissed because he missed his flight too. Oh how sad he’s late for his meeting. He barely got here though (8:39), unlike me who was here 43 minutes before, 2 minutes too late apparently. Turns out he tried to do online check in but their system was down. Wow that sucks for him. Now he’s trying to weasel his way up the list of standby people because it’s not his fault but their fault that he is late. Oh hell to the no, mr aZian man! You will not take my spot on the standby flight. Wouldn’t it just be utterly wretched if I got on this flight and got put in the back of the plane and he got on too but was put in first class because he was lower on the standby list? That would happen to me. Will I ever fly first class?

So a few things I have decided. a) I don’t care how stupid I look I am buying an airplane neck pillow. In fact I bought one in Detroit and used it on the flight here and it was excellent. No shame. I slept like a lamb. My next thought was, “you know since I always get stuck at the airport for at least 2 hours I should buy one of those DVD players to entertain myself.” Do they have longer battery lives than laptops? I will look into it. LAX has no internet. God I hate it here sometimes.

11:41 AM PST

One word to describe my feelings. WRETCHED! Truly truly wretched. I’m still on standby only now for another flight. A flight at 12:30 which I am told is oversold and has like 10 people on standby. The next flight after this is at 5 something or other which is also sold out. Truly truly wretched. It’s not even like I can go home. I’m stuck here. And if I want a guaranteed seat on any flight for tomorrow I have to pay 50 bucks, which I’m say I can’t afford right now. But my point is that being stuck at an airport is not so horrible. What is horrible is being stuck at the airport alone. It means that every time you have to pee or get food or buy water or anything you have to put everything you have away. And then you put all of your stuff away, lug it all to the bathroom and then when you get back your seat is taken! And your electricity jack is taken! And you just want to cry.

6:39 PM EST

Ok so I got on the 12:50 flight, thank the lord. Only problem is that because of raining and some crazy el nino type west winds the pilot had to come on and tlel us that we were going to have some really intense turbulence. Turbulent indeed! The pilot kept coming on every 15 minutes during the first 3 hours to tell everyone “sit down! No excuses!” like yelling at us. That is very assuring. I thought I was going to die like 3 times and I started reciting the “our father” over and over again and the pilot ordered the stewardesses to sit down for the first 3 hours. What I’m saying is I was really scared. To top it off I am sitting next ot his rather large asian dude who is reading Japanese comics on his computer but was passed out snoring earlier and then spent 20 minutes in the bathroom during turbulence. Never have I wanted to be in Detroit so bad in my life.