TV finales, musings

god this week has been some great television. tragic at times, disappointing even, and yet somehow oddly hopeful, but overall leaving me feeling very strained emotionally like it all somehow applied to my life or something. Or maybe i just want my lame life to work out the way that fiction does, but really i kind of just want the soundtrack.

gilmore girls ended like for reals and the final episode ever really sucked. it felt incomplete, but worse it made me feel like i was not being respected as a viewer for all of the work i put into it. I feel sometimes like i have these fucked up relationships with my shows. I care about teh characters, i relate to them sometimes, and the shows i can't relate to i keep watching and they become like these terrible disfunctional boyfriends that i just can't let go of because i keep saying "they'll change! they'll get better!! i just have to give them time! Sweeps is coming up!" This was how i felt about studio 60 and many many others shows that i decided to purge earlier this year. But anyways so gilmore girls ended and after six (maybe seven?) fucking years of sexual tension all we get is a kiss? what the hell. That is bull shit, but i guess it's a little hopeful. I found out veronica mars got cancelled with one episode left. this is truly tragic, and i say that in a completely overly dramatic way. But really do i need another incomplete ending in my life dangling there with no closure? I still do wonder what would have happened to Angela Chase. But these shows are like artists, never respected in their time, because if they had been they would have inevitably come to produce really lame seasons like felicity season 3 and dawsons creek seasons 4 through the final episode and lost season 2 and beginning of season 3. Maybe they need to end so i can remain hopeful or longing or something.

the office ended today. so so good. the moments we (and by we i mean me and my invisible readers) discussed earlier this week happened. pam beginning to shed a little tear of hope. i shed with her. Grey's anatomy, despite being overly dramatic at times with the musing music and such, touched me quite deeply this week. All this talk about committment and choosing and being left behind really...just...ummmph.

i don't knwo if i believe in love anymore, real or fictional. i mean i kind of hope that i do but i dont' know if i do. it all seems liek my shows that get cancelled leaving me feeling like something's missing (stupid john mayer song). and i know that comparing my ideas and experiences with love to cancelled teen dramas seems trite but i am all about the analogies because my goal in life is to seek to understand and be understood and all that shit so i feel liek this analogy fits. but anyways to relate to another vagina icon i feel like i'm having a carrie bradshaw moment when i ponder, how do you get men to commit? like how do women get men to marry them and shit? it kind of boggles my mind because who wants to spend their life wiht someone that has so many flaws, male and female alike? (tv has lots of weddings that is where all this is coming from). it's one of those things that i can't make sense of. I do kind of subscribe to that whole "taxi light" timing theory because it feels alot better than saying they just didin't love you as much as the person they choose ultimately to commit to. But then again the taxi light theory takes it to a whole new level of "seriously? what the fuck! that is retarded!" which brings me back to the whole "really awesome shows cancelled before their due time" analogy.

this is a little bit off topic but there is this patty loveless song that is relaly awesome called "you don't even know who i am." Casey introduced me to it and have been hooked ever since. So it's this woman leaving her husband and the omniscient narrator is talkign about how the woman left the car and dropped off her kids and left the keys and her wedding ring where would notice it. and then she leaves a note next to the grocery list and it says

You don't even know who I am
You left me a long time ago
You don't even know who I am
so what do you care if I go

And then her husband comes home and sees all this stuff and he starts to think about it and then he sits and ponders and finally decides to call her. And you the listener thinks that he's finally going to tell her how much he appreciated her and stuff. But no, instead he says

He left the ring on the pillow
He left the clothes on the floor
And he called her to say he was sorry
But he couldnt remember what for
So he said Ive been doing some thinking
Ive been thinking that maybe youre right
I go to work every morning
And I come home to you every night

And you dont even know who I am
You left me a long time ago
You dont even know who I am
So what do I care if you go
You dont even know who I am
So what do I care if you go

So i'm not really sure what the point of that was but it's a really good song! And i come from a really good happy family so i'm not quite sure when i got so jaded and pessimistic about love. blame it on the shows and movies. And they just make peopel break up for the sake of ratings and cliffhangers so i'm not really sure why i even pay attention.

guilty pleasures: i get so eeeeeemotional baby

so i was reading emily's blog and she linked to some other entertainment blog, i think entertainment weekly. anyways they had a segment talking about guilty pleasures and in one they talked about tv show episodes that made them guiltily (or perhaps not so guiltily) bawl their eyes out. And we've all been there, tv watchers or not, where we are watchign something, a hallmark commercial, 2 lovers breaking up on our favorite teen drama. And something about it feels very real and as moana on the bachelor said "it rocked me to my core!" so i decided to dedicate this post to such moments in tv watching history. There are many that i have forgotten, namely scenes from Felicity, so i expect you the readers (tory) to fill in your most painful tv scenes.

ER, circa season one. A red headed woman comes in with her husband and they are so excited about having their first child and then somehow in all the mix she ends up having eclampsia and dies and Dr. Greene wants to comfort the husband but he's so sad he's just like "no no!! you said she'd be ok!" and then he slams the door on Dr. Greene. Dude i think that was the first time i bawled while watchign television.

Dawson's Creek promicide episode. Joey asks Pacey to dance and they do. He mentions her mother's bracelet and she's like "i can't believe you remember that" and he kind of leans into her and very painfully whispers "i remember everything" and the piano plays in the background and he kind of leans into her, breathes in her neck, caresses her back and oooooooh one of the few moments in television where i feel it not in my eyes but in my heart. and i always imagined that my breakups would be this romantic but they weren't. le sigh

Veronica Mars when she goes to confront Logan to tell him that he was the one that raped her and i think she's trying to figure out why he is so grossed out that he had sex with her because like every girl she's trying to figure out what's so wrong with her and hello, they used to love each other! and finally logan breaks down crying and is like "i'm your brother!!!" and sweet baby jesus again my heart felt it before my eyes did. You all need to watch this show like right now. It's the only thing on tv that can make my heart flutter but also drop into my stomach. moments, people, moments!

the Sex and the City episode when charlotte tells them all "maybe we could be each other's soul mates?" The "moonriver" episode when big leaves her the record for when she gets lonely and the plane ticket "for when i get lonely." The series finale, need i say more.

The OC season 1 finale when they are at Julie and Caleb's wedding and Ryan and Marissa dance but they know this is their last dance because he is moving back to chino and then in the background Jem is singing "maybe i'm amazed at the way you love me all the time. Maybe i'm afraid of the way of love you" or whatever and oooooh.

Dawson's Creek series finale when Jen is making her dying last words to her daughter and sand sarah mclauglan "angel" is playing. "i thought i would give you a little list of the things that i wish for you...i want you to spend a lot of time at the ocean because the ocean makes you dream and i insist that you, my girl be a dreamer. God. I've never really believed in God. In fact i've spent alot of time and energy trying to disprove that God exists. But i hope that you believe in God because the thing that i've come to realize is that it just doesn't matter if God exists or not. the important thing is that you believe in something." truth!!

My so called life, i could be mixing up my episodes but I think this all might have been the same one. So Angela just caught her dad was cheating on her mom and she runs home crying because i think she also made a fool of herself at a party wiht the guy she likes. And "Everybody hurts" is playing in the background and she runs to her mom and cries in her arms and it's like she's a child again but also for the first time she has sympathy for her mom cuz she knows the truth.

last 6 minutes of Six Feet Under series finale. Holy shit it's worth watch the 3 crappy seasons before it just to get to this episode.

Grey's Anatomy (yes lame but still has it's moments). The episode in season 2 when the girl and the guy have a pole stuck in them and the girl has to sacrifice herself to save the man. The whole scene of her sacrifice if very sad but i think i really broke down at the end when her fiance Danny comes into the hospital and asks Derek what she said before she died. and he says "she asked me to tell you...she wanted you to know...that if love were enough she'd still be here with you." seriously people! Seriously! and then Later Derek is in the elevator with Bailey and starts breaking down and she very calmly without looking at him pulls the alarm to stop the elevator. He cries and then she's like "are you ok" and he composes himself and she starts the elevator again. ahhh

Alias season 1 and 2, every episode. but especially the first one where danny, her fiance dies. and then anytime she goes to see vaughn and cries and he's super supportive. damn you michael vartan!!!

Felicity, everything that sally said made me cry. I think i'll watch this week and update you guys on the moments of this show

and finally a very recent scene i watched like 2 weeks ago on Gilmore Girls. This show gets so much crap from non viewers but so much love from anyone who has given it a shot. Seriousy it's REALLY good. So ok, Lorelai gets really drunk at the town's karaoke night and she wants to sing a song to her graduating daughter. So she gets up and sings "i will always love you" the dolly parton version which is suprrisingly way more awesome than the Whitney version. Anyways it's all very beautiful because it makes sense in the context of her singing to her child who is leaving home, but then...then, her ex, Luke, walks into the bar right during "bittersweet memories" and i swear to god she looks like she might falter but that bitch keeps on singing. But this time it's not for her daughter but for the love she lost, the man she will always love. it especially kills me when she sings "we both know i'm not what you need" because she cheated on him so it's true!! and i mean...ugh just watch

my life as a townie

well today i woke up with a new sense of life or rebirth or something. i'm not sure but i felt liek doign something with my day. I decided to be a townie and do thigns like

- go to the farmer's market
- sit in a cafe and blog (mainly because i havent' done so in a whiel because my internet at hoem is really shitty and keeps kicking us off every 5 minutes which makes uploading pics a bitch)
- taking pictures of flowers in bloom and shit like that

so i woke up and took a gander into my closet. I have too much clothes...
i contemplated wearing my new dress that i'm going to wear with a belt. trust me it looks better in person. but then i remembered that it's rainy outside so i opted for some skinny jeans and rain boots.
dubbs dubbs look at my cool new red patent leather flats i will be sporting come real spring. All the boys keep making fun of me saying things like "so did you get those on your way to see the wizard." and things like that. Little do they know that i went as dorothy for halloween once adn i had shoes liek these only my mom spent all night gluing glitter on them. they were awesome.
i walked outside to see NATURE IN BLOOM!! Flowers in birth and stuff. it is quite amazing this whole spring thing. We never see it in LA because when things die we just replant them. but believe me when i say, there is nothing like seasons. There is also nothing like living in 80 degree weather everyday.
i was very excited about buying some fruit at teh farmer's market since i usually never wake up early enough to go
um...apparenlty teh farmer's market doesn't reopen until next week. mother fucker. perhaps i will go tomorrow when i'ts supposed to be open. things that are important, knowing when things are opened and closed
i was kind of peeve but nothing was going to stop me from getting a steamed bun at my local "asian" bakery. I use teh term asian very losely as this is ann arbor

nature!!!!
a dreary april day in Annie
eastern accents!! a journy to the orient!! doesn't it just make you feel liek you are sitting in a tea garden in japan. Only japan is full of white people and there are no flowers just brick walls. totes authentic
so a curry beef bun, some bi bim bop sauce, coffee, and free wifi. this truly is the life of a townie.
3 posts later it's late and i have to get back to go to work. thus ends my day as a townie. it was good times and quite relaxing.

love's a bitch

** so i was having some formatting issues (spacings and fonts) so i went back and fixed)

So I’m watching “before sunset” which is such a FUCKING GOOD movie. Premise: years in the future you run into someone that you had a very deep love relationship with. But not the kind of relationship that lasts for years and years and was tainted by reality. No, I’m talking about the kind of relationship where you knew the person for a week, or a night or a few hours, but they left you wondering “what if” because they were never tainted by reality, and the fantasy of them can live on in you forever as the constant “what if” in your life, and even though you are with someone and love them you can still say that making out or kissing or holding hands or whatever with this other person for only one night was the hottest thing that has ever happened in your life, again, because it is not tainted by reality. Now make a movie from that feeling, that moment, etc and you’d have “before sunset.”

Who hasn’t had that fantasy where you run into someone you were with long ago, and you look fabulous, and in paris of all places. Damn you paris! I feel like I’ve always had this really intensely confused relationship with paris, being that I know I should love it but my time I spent there was a cold thanksgiving weekend where I stayed in my friend’s host sister’s bed and we both nearly got blown off the Eiffel tower because it was so crazy windy. David said that although he traveled through Europe on a vespa he never went to paris because he felt that paris had to be reserved for love and romance and therefore he would only go there with a woman. Perhaps that was my problem with my Paris experience, I was missing home and it was cold rainy and my boyfriend at the time was being a jackass. This all does not equate to love. My fondest memories of paris: smoking (ah Europe and my smoking days), eating really bad food, having a massive “I might die, just talk to me about nothing” panic attack on the underground, and most importantly my old college roommate, Miami, vomiting on that very same underground train a few days later. I guess in the end we were both even, her for the vomit and me for the panic attack.

Anyways in this movie these 2 people met when they were like 22 on a train going to, I believe, Vienna. So they have this torrid one night thing and when the guy gets back on his train the next morning they promise to meet in 6 months. The movie ends with you either believing they meet or believing they don’t depending if you are the romantic or the cynic. Well “Before Sunset” takes place years later when the guy has written a book about the whole experience. You find out that they never actually met up 6 months later because of some conflict but now he is on a book tour in paris and she shows up at the store where he is giving a book signing. Like HELLO THIS IS EVERY WOMAN’S FANTASY! Or maybe this is just my fantasy…Anyways what is amazing is that I have imagined moments like this in my life, but it’s more like I am at an open mic night in SF and some red haired tall quiet man goes on stage and says “I’m gonna sing a song that always reminds me of a girl. What we had was short but I always remember her when I sing this song” and then he starts to sing some awesome version of Mr. Big “to be with you” or cardigans “love fool.” And in this fantasy I look totally awesome and fantastically fit. I also have really good shoes and possibly glasses (even though I have perfect vision, damnit). The truth is that knowing myself and my luck I would run into an ex flame while looking shitty in my studying clothes after not having showered for 4 days. Yes, this is my luck. But I mean who knows, perhaps love and romanticism can prevail. Perhaps someday I will have my revenge and look fabulous. I mean who really knows.

There is this scene where they are catching up in a coffee shop and this convo goes down. The amazing part about it is that I feel like this could be any woman’s inner monologue, and I love that she just says it to him.

Celine: “how do I look? Do I look different now?”
Jesse: “you look…thinner. You look thinner.”
Celine: “so was I fat? Oh my god I was fat! I was a fatty! You wrote a book about a French fat girl!”
…
Celine: “I had this um, funny, well, horrible dream the other day. I was having this awful nightmare that I was 32, and then I woke up and I was 23…so relieved. And then I woke up for real, and I was 32. yeah”

I love her because she’s just a little bit crazy, just a bit. And most of the movie is her talking and the whole time kind of doubting myself like “am I saying to much” and him listening and looking at her with such affection thinking “fuck, I could spend the rest of my life on this park bench with this woman, but alas fate is cruel.”

And there is this part where she talks about how sometimes when you have those torrid kind of love affair things and they don’t work out, as they never do, you are traumatized and stunted forever because nothing can ever compare. So if that didn’t work out how will you ever find something that will. Like hello! Speak the words of my fucking soul! But like I said, this can really only happen with non relationships, the kind that are really short lived and leave you thinking, “wait so when I count the number of boyfriends I’ve had should I list that? I mean it doesn’t really count because it wasn’t a real relationship, but it was something…else.” Does anyone know what I am talking about? It's like really passionate, unnaturally so. I do'nt think that real love and real relationships should be that passionate, because if they were they would burn out quickly. Which is what makes the whole unforgettableness of it all even worse because you know it would have never worked out but you spend the rest of your life trying to get that feeling back because it just feels so fucking good. Has anyone has the fantasy come true of running into this person again and being fabulous, or are we too young still for these kinds of moments? I usually like to have parting thoughts, but really, I don’t know because I wrote this post last night but was too tired to tidy it up.

Cathy and I saw bridge to terabithia tonight which was seriously, about as traumatic as My Girl, only way more awesome. Weeping! We were literally weeping! So many eeeemotions

"little children"

You know when you have those days where your success of failure is all dependent on one thing going right because if that one thing goes right it will trigger a series of events through which the rest of your day will go right? And then that one thing does not go right and you feel like you might cry because you have banked your day's happiness on that one thing. Basically what i'm talking about is those days where things go wrong and then finally the straw breaks the camels back and you break down in front of complete strangers in some public place like a coffee shop or a mini mall, and someone comes up to you and say "are you ok" and you incomprensibly mumble phrases like "yeah iiii'm fine it's just (tears) nothing EVER goes right and just to top it off this and why me!" So today wasn't quite that but i just wnated to set the tone.

All day long, and cathy can attest to this, i have been craving an in n out cheeseburger. If you have never had an in n out cheeseburger you are sorely missing out. I mean, the perfectly cooked meat, the melted cheese, the crispy toasted ring around the edge of the bun. I have travelled far and wide (really only to like 6 states but still) and have never found a burger quite as pleasing as the in n out cheeseburger. Well all day long i was telling cathy how my plan was to go to the movies at 1:10, but on my way stop at the in n out down the street from the theater, use the remainder of my gift card my cousin gave me to purchase a cheeseburger so i coudl sneak it into the theater and eat it during the movie. A wonderful plan, i thought.

I had been contemplating this since last night. I had gone on wikipedia and teh in n out website just to get myself mentally prepaired. i mean I WAS EXCITED! I was learning all of these new facts, like for instance did you know that animal style means your meat patty is cooked in mustard? i did not knw this. I knew all the other stuff but this mustard cooked patty was kind of mysterious to me. Like what does a mustard cooked patty taste like? This all got me talking to cathy about how i'm really not a very exciting person. i generally stick to what i like and i order that forever. For the first 18 years of my life i excuslively ate hamburgers. In fact, i think i didnt' actually have my first cheeseburger until college on a trip to, of all palces IN N OUT! well since then i have been on a strict cheeseburger fad. I have this thing where when i'm looking at a menu i think "ooh that looks good. but what if it's not. what if i order it and it's not really what i want and i waste all of those calories and money on something i dont' even like or enjoy! but i'm so boring. i should just try it." well i get myself all worked up and by the time i make it to the ordering booth i say to myself "do it! order something new" and then what comes out of my mouth is "cheeseburger, no onions." so what i'm saying is, i am a creature of habit. Well after talking ot cathy today for about an hour about how much i love cheeseburgers and because of this love was a bit scared to try to double double animal style she finally convinced me. So i got in my car, drove to in n out wiht 10 minutes to spare and rolled into the parking lot to find....

25 fucking cars waiting in line for what i can only assume is the same damn double double animal style! goddamnit! i was filled with such rage. I definitely did not have time to wait in that line or i would for sure miss my movie. So i made a rash decision. i drove off and called cathy to complain about how wretched and cruel life can sometimes be (in a very uncruel way, i mean you know, this is all for dramatic value). I told her i was on the verge of tears, which i really was, and i told her how much i hated americans because "what kidn of disgusting peopel are eating in n out for lunch on a work day! i only eat like this on vacation! god, i hate americans! this is why they are so fat!" And really i ask, who eats fastfood on a normal lunch day? if you do i think you shoudl really stop, buy yourself some wheat bread and turkey and chow down on something healthy for a change! because seroiusly fast food should be reserved for a few rare times a year when you let yourself enjoy, like for instance VACATIONS! so anywyas i was very bitter and ended up just going straight to the movie theater and feeling really upset that my whole plan to enjoy a nice double double animal style had been ruined by a bunch of gluttonous people who also had the urge to eat in n out that day on their lunch break.

so i saw this movie "little children" and it was really good. And it's nto really teh kind of movie where you can talk about plot and stuff liek that, but it's the kind of movie that leaves you thinking. And after i came out it really put that whole in n out debacle into perspective, and i dont' realy know how, but it did. It got me thinking about my life, and what i value, and how sad it is that not getting a double double animal style can throw me all out of wack, because really, what does this say about me?

And then i was driving home kind of pensive, when i saw this old mustang with a for sale sign. I dont' know anything about cars so i cant' say what year it was, but it took me back to a day when i used to want an old mustang. I remember asking my dad for one and he said it was a very impractical car and my parents are all about practicality. And the reason that i wantd the mustang was not that i cared about how it ran or anything like that or that i knew anything about engines and shit, but it was because i used to watch 21 jumpstreet and johnny depp's character drove a mustang and i stuck with me. I mean, i was a really big johnny depp fan at the time. i also really wanted an old VW bug. I had these memories of my aunt lucy, who later became my "crazy aunt lucy" when she used to pick me and Jenny up and take us to the movies in her old sky blue VW bug. I thought that car was teh coolest and it seemed very me. Well i didnt' get a bug. Instead i got a boring, green, honda civic. And the irony (in the alanis morrisette way) was that this other mexican girl who had almost the same name as me only with an H had an old VW bug. and i always had this feeling that she somehow was the cooler, more confident version of me (with less controlling parents). She wasn't even that pretty, and boys liked her, and she was tall and had an awkward body wtih a flat butt, but again, no one seemed to notice. And she was smart and we had fun together when we got put in the back of our AP history class because we were the only girl who didnt' show our coochies to our dirty history teacher (turns out he was a pedophile and we were the on;y non slutty girls in class). And i always felt liek in some alternate world we would have been friends. It reminds me of this quote "if i had been someone else in a different world Id've done something different, but i was myself and the world was the world, so i was silent." That's how i feel about a lot of things, and that's kind of how the movie "little children" made me feel, when i say "i felt pensive."

So i leave this entry with no conclusion, except to say that i went to in n out afterwards. there was still a line, but i waited and i got a double double animal style. It was too big for me. i only ate 3/4 of it and threw the rest away. Sometimes we shoudl listen to the signs that life gives us.

Stephen and Jerri: my flight from Detroit to Phoenix

oh man so I am BACK IN LA!!! i tell you i have never been so excited to come back to california. The winter has been too long! i packed the most ridiculous things like mini skirts and flip flops. I guess the thought of having to wait another 4 months to wear flip flops was too much for me. and i don't even like wearing flip flops!! i hate wearing flip flops to be exact! but i don't care! I have not seen my feet in 5 months. these things change you. Anyways I had teh stomach flu for the past 2 days which was nothing but good times. Nothing like being incapacitated when you have to write a 20 page paper. Well so now I am in LA writing said 20 page paper, hoping i can finish by noon so i can go to the mall with Cathy and Bobby. I haven't been to the mall in 2 months since the last time i came to LA. Oh no wait it's only been liek a 1 month and a half. ha! i tell you it feels like years.

So anyways we had 45 mph winds last night leaving detroit which made for a really interesting take off. But luckily i had this real oversharer sitting next to me so she talked me past my usual turbulance induced panic attack. She was this old white youth minister and she told me about how she used to get panic attacks but she started takin paxil and now everyday is the best day ever. I was like "wow ok, thanks" subtext "so you're crazy?? cool" no no jkjk i have sympathy for these types of things. hello i'm a psychologist! And normally i'd be really against anti depressants being of the whole Cognitive Behavioral Therapy school of thought but she made it seem so appealing. that was until 2 hours later when she was still talking my head off about working with "ghetto children" and "black peopel and latinos" and telling me all thse typical stereotypes about them and how "they just don't want to work hard because workinf hard is looked down on in their culture." Thank you Ogbu, but i believe your theory was debunked a few years back. boo ya! i wanted to be like "lady i have a paper to write, so can you please stop talking." Because seriously this woman could not read social cues. So then i started reading adn she started wtching "everybody hates raymond" on her dvd player which she did not know how to use. hate that show. So she didn't plug in her headaphones but she had them on so the sound was all loud and it's one of those moments where you can't be liek "hey Jerri, you forgot to plug in the spekaers like this." just awkward all around. At least she didnt' try to convert me.

So i read some articles but then got really tired. I figured it was all teh vomitting and the fact that all i had eaten over teh past 2 days were 4 saltine crackers. when i woke up the nice old man next to me started talking to me. Ulike jerry HE was super cool. His name was Stephen and he was 89. 89!! he had served in WWII and was telling me all about being stationed in australia on a secret mission with macarthur's troops for 44 months and how he feels bad for all the kids in Iraq cuz they have to carry all those heavy supplies through the desert for a war that is wrong, which i'm sure peeved Jerri since she seemed to be a staunch republican and very pro war. But imagine, this 89 year old man who was anti the war. I figured he'd learned alot in life and had concluded "war, what is it good for? absolutely nothing." so then I asked him why he was flying to phoenix because something told me i could learn from this old man how to live a happy life. he had worked in paper printing and his grand son was a nascar racer. He was on his way to phoenix because a woman he had known when he ws 18 and she was 14 had found him on the internet. yes, old people google! I was like "wait so how are you on the internet?" thinking to myself, wow if this man has a blog i would totes read it! But alas he doesn't, he's just in the yellow pages. So this woman about a year ago got in contact with him and was like "my friend and i were googling all the people we grew up with and you are one of the only one's left alive! come to phoenix to visit me!" to which stephen responded "um i haven't seen you in 75 years. you're not trying ot get a marriage out of me are you?" to which she responded "oh no no no i already buried 2 husbands. i dont' want to go through that again. i just want a friend. it's hard with all this modern technology and things are so different. I just want someone from my era who understands what it's liek to be me." amen! isnt' that deep! Anyways so she was this hella cool woman who had gotten married young. Her husband died of leukemia at 45 and she moved to alaska to get away from it all. She worked on the pipeline there (oil i assume) and then met her second husband 4 years later, some type of engineer. They married and moved to idaho or iowa, one of the "i" states. And then he died a few years back and she googled Stephen and since then he has been visiting her a few times a year. And what they do is she likes to take road trips and drive from her summer fall home in the "i" state to her winter home in Arizona so right now they were gonna drive back to her summer home. And i was like "dude is she ok to drive?" and he said "oh yes yes she's a very good driver. she has a lead foot!" Anyways i don't knwo what i was supposed to learn from this man but it seemed something like carpe diem esque. Like i need to enjoy my life because it will be long and someday i will have many stories to tell of the days before the internet. Anyways it was all a very moving experience and i realized that this was way more interesting than writing a paper.

So now i'm home and i'm gonna go do my work but i thought i'd share.

vday massacre

oh valentimmmmes day, how you perpetually suck. I feel like this day is a constant let down. either you have no one to be with or the person you are with disppoints you by not getting you what you want, and really what can you legitimately want on a fake holiday? i hate this day, and yet i still have expectations of the men i'm with, which makes me hate the day even more. Let us take a journey through v-days past....

February 14th, 1991, 3rd grade, the infamous daniel ybarra gives me a card with an eskimo on it that says...shit i can't remember what it said. it was a knock knock joke about being cold and picking me or something. crap, i odnt know. anyways he gave these cards to everyone, so in reality i was reading a bit much into the gift, thinking it meant he literally chose me.

February 14th, 1996, 8th grade, i get 4 anonymous valentine candygrams all from my secret admirer. I think finally, this might be it, my first chance to know what it's liek to liek a boy and have a boy like me back. turns out my secret admirer was this very wierd kid, the screech of our school only not smart. I think he's gay now. yes, this was the only man who admitted openly to liking me up until i was 18, thus causing me to have major self esteem issues for most of my youth. adolescence can be so damanging!

February 14th, 2001, freshman year of college. my first boyfriend, i think finally valentines day will not suck since it is supposed to be awesome when you have someone to share it with. I spent the whole night before writing valentines with my friend and making a mixed tape (it was good too) of his favorite songs. He spends the night doing a problems set. Morning comes and the dorm has all the guys surprise the girls waking us up at 7:30 and surprising us with roses. very cute. Then all day i'm thinking "what is he planning! what is he planning!!" ends up that he tags along wiht his roommates vday plans and they take me and roommies girlfriend to indian restaurant. I don't really like indian food as it gives me heartburn, but he somehow seems to forget this fact. The owners of the restaurant are really rude and make us wake 45 minutes to be seated (even though we have reservations) and another 30 minutes at the table to actually eat. We all conclude it is because roommate is white guy dating an indian chick and owners of the fine establishment do not approve. after waiting we decide to peace out. we are all so starved at thsi point that we say fuck it, and spend vday dinner at denny's where i believe i ate a club sangwhich. gotta love that club. my first real valentines spent all dressed up at denny's with my boyfriend's roommate. disappointment? i think so

February 14th, 2002, sophomore year of college, same boyfriend...does nothing

February 14th, 2003, junior year of college, same boyfriend does nothing again...are we seeing a pattern here, i think so. disappoinment? for sure

February 14th, 2004, senior year, my bff of life, ryan comes into town and we all decide to do a junior high style vday party. Ryan and i play our first game of spin the bottle EVER since we grew up sheltered christian school kids. Ryan has his first male kissing experience, leads to him finally coming out later that year. v. exciting for us all. Turns out spin the bottle, not so cool when played with women and gay men. disappoinment....not so much, kind of fun

February 14th 2005, master's year, i'm sure i was huddled up in el centro analyzing data for my thesis. clearly i have blocked out the terrible memory from my head.

February 14th, 2006, year in SF, again i actually have a boyfriend but alas, he is busy studying for boards or doing a rotation or having a test, or any one of the other millions of things med students do. a bit of a disappoinment, yes, but understandeable, of course. I think he took me out to dinner that weekend and bought me a black onyx bracelet....or maybe that was for my birthday

and now here we are present day

February 14th, 2007, and what do i have to show for it. let's see, we are in the middle of a snow storm, my clothes and car are getting all fucked up from the salt everywhere. David did attempt to send me flowers, but alas they didn't deliver them on time. i ate a rushed meal at a quick italian place and proceeded to statify untl about 8, after which time i went for a girls night in as we drank and did our nails and gossiped about things, like how our exes all gained weight and look bad now, and how grad student's lives are really depressing and leave you with nothing to say and how we kind of secretly love and own ugg boots despite the fact that they are really ugly (mine are leather and water proof so i think that somehow makes them acceptable, but it's still bad). So again i am here, no flowers, no candies, no teddy bears, no diamonds, sleeping in the cold, to wake up early and attend another awful stats class. It kidn of just feels liek any other wednesday in michigan to be honest. Valentines day stands for everything that i hate. I hate contrived celebrations and lame excuses to give gifts that are either useless or will die in a week. and yet...the day comes and i still have expectations. why do you toy with me so, vday!????

i'm back...

well it's been a whole 3 hours since my last post...

so much for not writing for a while. but i have things to say. so i was thinking a few things

a) so when i worked in an office i had so much time and no way to fill it. I used to spend my days trying to find stuff to fill the 8 hours of sheer boredom. blogging, reading blogs, gossip, chatting on line. I became very good at it, to the point where at the end of the day i thought "shit, my day is over and i didn't even get to the nytimes education section." and now i feel liek life is the direct opposite. I have so many ways to fill my days and no time to do it all. oh life, you slay me sometimes! Anyways think of all the time i wasted reading crap and "filling my time" when i could have been getting up to speed in my field. eeemagine. i tell all of you today, seize the day!

b) why do i always bullet point my entries? i'm not sure but i feel liek it's because when i read i like to make outlines to reference later with key points and somehow this has carried over into my journal writing. Also i am all about efficiency (in theory) and i feel like bullet points are extremely efficient not only for organizing your thoughts in a cohesive manner, but also just in allowing you to say what you want to say.

c) grammy's. corinne bailey rae singing "like a star" with john mayer's guitar singing background. Seriously, eeeeeemotions. Lionnnneeeelll singing "helloooooooo, is it me you're looking for." An Eagles retrospective along wiht a totally awesome rendition of desperado. LOVE. but more importantly shakira, girlfriend what are you doing. We get it, you have hips, you can belly dance. WE GET IT! but hey, remember back in teh late 90's when you were an artist and you were teh voice of my generation and you wrote beautiful poems and no one cared that your voice was a little wierd because you had lyrics with meanings. And remember when you played teh guitar????? ugh stop singing in english! stop focussing on the moves and start focussing on what and how you are singing! I am so upset. i feel liek she is feeding into the stereotype that latinas or as the grammy's said it "lateeeeeenas" are just sex symbols. we have talents too! spanish music is very beautiful and poetic! god!! i leave you with some old shakira lyrics...before this "hips don't lie" bull shit. '

voy a dejar

que mi guitarra diga todo lo que yo
no se decir por me
O quizas deba esperar
A que el insulto del reloj
Acabe de planear mi fin
Duelen tanto las sonrisas
Cuesta un mundo respirar
Es que no tenerte aqui y a me hace mal

Me sigue rodeando
La sombra de ti
Y siguen rodando por ahi
Todas las palabras que dijimo
Y los besos que nos dimos
Como siempre
How estoy
Pensando en ti...

i'm going to allow my guitar to say all the things i can't say for myself. Or perhaps i should wait until the insult of the clock finishing planning my demise. My smiles are painful, and it costs me the world to breathe. It's just that not having you here does me bad. and your shadow keeps surrounding me, along with all the things that we said, and all the kisses that we had. Just like always, today i'm thinking of you.

shaki, if you are reading this, for reals go back to your eesssspanish roots, return to your black hair and sing some songs con tues piez descalsos, cabrona!!

cold as (fill in blank)

I remember hearing that phrase "it's as cold as a witch's titty" and thinking how very descriptive. I had never actually felt how cold a witches titty could be but to put it in those terms made me think that it must have been some kind of cold. And it was never really cold enough for my nipples to cut through glass but as ann shirley would say, "i could imagine what it would be like to have nipples so hard they could cut glass."

Today we hit -4. THIS is most definitely what a witch's titty feels like. hands down. hands down! Oddly enough my nipples are still not hard enough to cut glass, which may be due to the constant double layer of fleece and down that surrounds them at all times. what makes it even more strange and depressing is that there isn't even really any snow on the ground. Growing up in southern california there was alwyas this assumption that winter and cold meant snow....tons and tons of snow. And the colder it got the more snow you got...blizzards worth. Well we have like a centemeter's worth of snow, it's not that fluffy, and you definitely can't make snow angels. but goddamn we have us some cold! But i feel like there is this wierd point at which the cold starts to get numbing and you don't even feel it anymore such that 25 degrees can feel a lot colder than the teens, because in the teens you are too cold to feel anything. but then there is that point when you hit single digits and negative numbers, and that is the point when cold is just cold, and there is no escaping it. It's the kind of cold where a hot shower can feel like knives hitting your skin, and putting your hands in front of the car heater feels like needles stabbing at your finger tips. It is the inescapable cold, or as a 5th year phd student phrased it "the butt ass freezing point." Tonight, my friends, we have reached the butt ass freezing point.

Why I don't watch 24

Email from Toto today.

"You know what pisses me off? When people are obsessed with shows like 24, or Alias, or Grey's, or what have you, and they flip shit if you talk during the show and act like their entire week has been building up to that one hour of television, and then they act like a show like The Hills or some such is so beneath them and such a waste of time. Like hello at least I'm only watching tv because I want something to do during my half hour knitting session instead of just staring at the wall, not because I actually think the show is of good quality. You are the one with terrible taste, not me. Unfortunately I can't read Christopher Hitchens whilst knitting, or else yes, I'ddo that over watching LC agonize over Brody. Inevitably these people will leave the room during a show like the Hills citing "not being able to take it anymore," "wanting to do something productive with [my] time," or after saying something like "I can't believe you watch this." At least I know when my entertainment is entertainment and when it's quality fare. hate!"

I took this opportunity as a jumping point to discuss my feelings about 24 and fare weather tv watchers, namely 24 fans. I admit i have never watched 24 and i refuse to watch it. It's not that i think the show is bad or poorly made. on the contrary i'm sure it is a fantastic show with lots of excitement and suspense and i am almost positive that i would love it and become addicted and watch the whole series in a 5 day period. My main problem wiht shows like 24 and shows that have a very big following are that these are generally not people who watch a lot of tv. Yet people who watch things like 24 assume that because they watch one good show that gives them carte blanche to have opinions on everything that's on tv. Let me explain it in different terms. It's like the movie shawshank. It's a really good movie! But people who see it and never watch good movies suddenly think they are avid film watcher. Or another example, the movie "run lola run." Again an excellent film but peopel who watch it think that it suddenly gives them foreign film cred. One film does not a genre make! To those people i ask, "do you watch 35 hours of television a week? do you!! oh no, ok then shut up about how 24 is the BEST SHOW EVER because really what the fuck do you have to compare it with in your grand arsenal of 3 shows you watch! tell me, what! so don't come and tell me that The Hills is stupid and you only watch good tv. You watch 1 show! 1 show!! In what world does this make you an expert on what is good and what is bad!" now i'm not saying that i know what is good or bad, but i'm saying i feel like i have watched enough television in my life to have comparisons to be able to have some sort of expert cred on these types of topics. So will i ever watch 24? i'd like to be able to say that out of principle i wont', but let's be honest, i have no principles so i most likely will end up watching it at some point in my life.

But let's just talk about waht the purpose of television is. It is there for entertaiment value, but we can also learn from it in very indirect ways. Sometimes it acts as a mirror to show us who we are and make us realize our faults, and sometimes it acts as a peep hole into a world that we know nothing about. In the end though, are we not always learnign something whether it be from learning about other countries from anthony bourdain or how to put in a cathetar from meredith gray or learning how the world of the inside elite works on the hillls. So ye who deigns to watch but one hour of "good television" a week, how dare you criticize my and others' choices!

As tory put it,
"enjoy it but cut out the attitude please. If you really needed to 'do something better with your time' you would go read Joyce"

On another note, does anyone out there watch "men in trees" or "what about brian." These shows are both kind of boring and yet, i can't wait to watch them every week. i think they have slowly crept upt to become the most enjoyable 2 hours i have. Perhaps it's that everyone is pretty and well dressed. Or perhaps it's that there is no real drama, no cliffhangers, no shafts, no bombs, no dark man in the shadows to be revealed next season. These are shows about relationships and love and finding happiness alone or with someone. Isn't that what being human is about? I mean, in the end it's just straight up simple tv like felicity and thirtysomething and my so called life, only obviously not as good. but what i'm saying is...i have no one to share my kind of sort of love for these shows. Is anyone out there watching these? have you kind of gotten over the fact that Brian used to be on 7th heaven or that anne heche used to be crazy and a lesbian? because i have. Oh tv kindred spirit, wherefore art thou??

the Poker Game of Life

So i just got back from the market. Here are the things i purchased

- Supplements: more psyllium and flax seed oil, women's vitamins (this at the behest of bob greene who last week on oprah talked about how sometimes even though we are healthy we do not get all of our vitamins and minerals. Dude if oprah listens to him i will too. Plus i have been feeling very like lacking in betakeratin or something, i dont' know).
- 2 bags frozen vegetables
- fiber products: whole grain bread, fiber crackers
- snacks: almond butter, nuts
- other: bag mixed greens, soy milk

so I realized that i essentially live off of frozen foods, vitamins, and fiber products. I don't know what this says about me as a person. do i have no taste buds? today has been an off day. I went to meet with my advisor who did not show up so i had this whole like 40 minute round trip bus excursion for nothing. awesome! and then on the way there i had the dreamgirls song stuck in my head and every few minutes without even realizing i'd burst out in falsetto "dreamgirls will never leave you!" i only realized i was doing it when i was crossing the street and this girl gave me a really wierd look. And then i realized i blurted in her face without thinking "dreamgirls will neeeeever leave you!!" stupid beyonce.

This is going to be a totally off topic tangent but today in my social development class we were talking about the whole nature vs. nurture argument. Are our genes stronger than our environment or vice versa? Anyways the prof was telling us how there is a mathematical breakdown for what percentage of genes we have of our relatives. I mean it's on average, but still. So we share 50% of our genes with each parent, 25% with each grand parent etc etc. Then i started thinking about my various blood relatives. Do you ever look at your family and think "am i seriously related to these people??" It kind of scares me sometimes. Anyways so then we had read these articles that talked about how in an ideal world if our environments offered us every opportunity imaginable our genes would guide us to things that we are genetically inclined to do. So then one girl talked about how this is a pretty ridiculous notion because in reality we are all deprived of something that our environment did not provide for us. I began to think about how i should have been a dancer, and who knows, perhaps genetically i could have been a great dancer, but damnit my environment did not allow for this. Le sigh And then i was looking over and this girl had like one of those big bags of reeses peanut butter cups, the little ones. And an hour later she at eteh whole thing!! who jsut eats the mini cups from the giant bag liek that???

annnnyways that was not what i intended to discuss tonight. Tonight i wanted to discuss the poker game of life. about a week ago my friend pinged me and said "would you call me selfish." Well the obvious response was "not to your face" which would then lead into a long 10 minute conversation where we could only respond in phrases from the movie Clueless. But this time he really meant it. Anyways on his quest to better himself the rest of us started thinking about ourselves, our issues, self esteem and all that crap. Apparently people think that i am very difficult to analyze because i keep my cards close to myself. Well upon hearing this i was shocked. Never have i thought myself to be the kind of person who undershares and 10 years later peopel say "i know nothing about her." On the contrary i felt that i was always too much of an oversharer and that i need ot hold back sometimes. This led me to my extended metaphor.

Ok so in the poker game of life i have always felt that i was that person who can't bluff. I was that person who would say "ugh guys, i got a pair of 2's, i'm out!" On the other hand Bobby is the kind of person who bluffs like he has a straight flush but really he has a pair of queens (no pun intended). Ivan on the other hand has a full house in his hand but all he sees is the one pair and consequently he says "ugh guys i hate poker! all i have are two 4's!" now i didn't really go beyond these three peopel but it was quite astounding to me how my impression of myself as teh oversharer in the poker game who can't bluff, in fact is quite the opposite of what others think. They view me as the overly cautious player who perhaps doesn't lie but doesn't tell everyone what she has. Isn't it true that we are so close to ourselves that we can never really see ourselves. This all reminds me of the time in junior high when my friends and I played this game called "Slam." The way the game is played is each person puts their name on teh top of a separate sheet of paper with one side saying "good" and one side saying "bad". You pass the paper around teh circle and each new person who gets the paper writes good things and bad things, whatever comes to mind. We obviously made the rule that you had to write at least one good thing cuz we weren't that mean but i think what was more interesting to all of us were teh bad things that we would say about each other. Mind you, we had all known each other since preschool. So in the end we foudn otu alot about ourselves and how others view us, and i still have that paper to this day. I feel liek this whole "would you call me selfish" thing is kind of like that, only with a lot less crying.

So i suggest you ask a friend today "would you call me selfish?" or whatever other question happens to be bothering you. who are you in the poker game of life?

I'm alive, i'm a mess

This is a phrase has been uttered by me on many many occasions because sometimes it's the only way to express how i feel. and then today i was talking to Tortor and she was like "my mantra these days is 'i'm alive i'm a mess.'" truth! truth!! Etimology of the phrase. There used to be this awesome singer in the 90's named Heather Nova and her voice was like that of a siren and she would sing these really good strummy la la songs for shows like Dawson's creek and felicity and we all know how much i love dawson's creek and felicity. anyways the songs were just so appropriate to being a woman sometimes. So the lyrics go

I'm coming home to you
i'm alive i'm a mess
...
and it goes on to talking about her man and the rain and how nothing heels her like him and stuff but the line resonates.

anyways i have alwyas felt that these lines really express how i feel on a daily basis, and i often start long emails to my bitches with this phrase. Because really i'm here, i'm focussed, i got my shit together, but goddamn i am a hot mess! And i mean that in the literal and figurative sense. Liek i've got my life in order but i have no fucking clue what i'm doing. And isn't that just the way life is?

so i've been thinking alot about aging, and all this has mainly been prompted by the fact that i found 4 gray hairs, short ones and long ones, while i was blowdrying my hair on saturday night. My first thought was "has it really been this long since i've blow dryed my hair that i didn't even notice i had grays! have i let myself go?" my second thought was "fuck, this is it!" My dad went gray around 24, so my time might actually be up. And then i've been waking up and watching vh1 in the morning as i get ready and they tell me the "hip new artists to watch out for" and the thing is I ACTUALLY LIKE THEIR CHOICE OF HIP NEW ARTISTS! vh1 is cool to me now! and the other day i tried to watch an episode of super sweet 16 and i could not sit through it. and real world....over it. I mean...vh1? and i like to watch shows like "how i met your mother" because it's a really good show! it's about peopel my age trying to find themselves, some of them in grad school. It's liek friends only they hang out at a bar instead of a coffee hous eand they reminisce about college and smoke pot and go on trips and do fun stuff. actualy now that i think about it i'm remembering how we realized one night that the firends characters were all our age when the show started. wow. It's like that scene in when harry met sally when she's like ranting about life and she goes

sally: and i'm going to be 40!!
harry: when??
sally: someday!
harry: in 8 years
sally: but it's there. It's just sitting there like some big dead end.

and she goes on to weep, but i think if we substituted this with 30 it woudl kind of show you exactly how i feel. I'm alive, i'm a mess.

So anyways to all the ladies out there. If you come home, throw down your keys and your gloves, throw on some pj's, heat up a lean cuisine because sometimes cooking can be draining, and you cuddle up with your television remote to a nice gchat conversationwiht friends, then you too are alive but a mess, and you know what, that is ok.

on another note i think i'm getting too old for online communities like facebook and myspace. any thoughts on this? it's just something i've been thinking about.

just like oil on my hands...

So i was reading John Mayer's blog the other day. Yes i read John Mayer's blog! Judge me! but his music is kind of my super guilty pleasure plus i kind of secretly think that John Mayer and I are kindred spirits and that if we ever met and hugn out we would get along swimmingly and become BFF and he'd write a song about platonic love for a woman named Cristina. Seroiusly, read his blog and tell me that he and I are not the same person.

Anyways the other day he put this video on his blog. It's the Corinne Bailey Rae song "like a star." And John (BFF's totally call each other by first names) writes

How a lock works
(picture of a lock)
"the right combination of pins lines up perfectly with the notches in the key"
...is the best way I can illustrate what happens to me when i see and hear this.

See the thing is, i watched the video for the song and i heard the lyrics and i thought, fuck dude, i know what you mean! My problem is that i tend to have difficulty expressing myself, which i know sounds crazy since my bagillion posts on the somethingness of nothingness would seem to say otherwise. But really, and i use this quote quite regularly, but there is this scene in the totally awesome movie "contact" where Jodie Foster's character has longed to go to space her whole life and she finally gets to go and travel through space and time or something and anyways this other planet she goes to is beautiful like...heaven and on her way there she is looking at the stars as she floats and she says in this way that lets you know that she just cannot say it any better

so beautiful...no words to describe...should have sent a poet.

And i know it was kind of a cheesy line to say but it has always stuck with me because so often there are moments in life when i wish i was a fuckin gpoet so that i could express the words in my soul. and i read stuff like neruda's "love is so short, and forgetting so long" and i think FUCK!! THAT IS SOME GOOD SHIT! my mom used to say "i wish i could write so that i could tell the story of my life" and i would say "mom, if you were a writer you wouldn't talk about writing, you would just do it. You wouldn't be able to not do it." Anyways i wish i was a poet, but alas, i am not.

My Tia Irma is really new agey adn says really random shit sometimes. When i was back home over break we were talking about my cousin who has this really bizarre sixth sense. There are moments when you talk to him and it's like he's seeing through your soul and it's kind of creepy and kind of comforting all at the same time. Anyways one time his mom has this dream that someone was going ot break into her house and in her dream she would always be saying to herself "lock teh sliding door, peopel are gonna come in." then one night my cousin was sleeping in her room and he woke up in the middle of the night after she had had her same dream and he goes "mom, mom please go make sure the sliding door is locked. please just do it. someoen is gonna break in." Anyways my Tia Irma was saying that she believes that artists (painters, poets, writers, singers, musicians, etc) literally act as mediums for humanity, like a Jungian collective unconscious which explains why they are sometimes so tortured because they have teh thoughts of the world weighing on them. I thought it was a really beautiful way of putting it.

So the point of all these words is to say that "like a star" is a really beautiful song and i wish that i was a poet or a singer or a musician or anything really so that i could express my soul like this.

Can't find the words to write this song...oooh



and for those who can't see the embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeTaboHap2g

where am i? what is this?

it's christmas..well 10 minutes left of it at least. we always spend christmas day with my dad's family who i am slightly (this is an understatement) disconnected with for various reasons which include generally that we are just not on the same wavelength. I have lots of cousins my age but most of them are having babies or getting married or dropping out of jc colleges and stuff and here i am thinking...how irresponsible but then i think...well technically they have way more real world responsibilities so who is really the irresponsible one? and then i think, how can these young people be getting married! i can barely take care of a plant. but again, who is the irresponsible one?

i was talking to their kids who are like 2 and 3 and they are such smart kids. These are the kids i'm trying to help in my research and then i talk to their parents and it's like...the parents love their kids so much they just do'nt have teh tools to know what it is they are supposed to do to help their kids succeed in life. And it's just so heart breaking. and then some of them can't believe i went to stanford mainly because they really can't fathom what stnaford is. So they say things like "wow isn't that like a really good school? you must have had like a 4.0. did you have a 4.0 all 4 years of high school?" They still even after graduating ask me how life was in boston. And i hvae to respond that in fact stanford is in california. imagine, in their own state. and then everyone thinks that i'm gonna be a therapist and i'm like, no i do educational psychology and htey say "oh so are you going to be a high school counselor" and i'm like...ugh no i do research so i can fix the problems in the education system. And then i get blank stares. Finally my cousin's wife was liek "wait so when i read that stuff about like 'statistics say' are you the one who comes up with those statistics?" and i was liek YES!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DO! but really how do you explain to peopel with barely a high school education what exactly a phd is. liek they really don't know what it entails or what it means or anything. and they ask why i'm in michigan and why i didn't just go to cal state LA for grad school since it's close. And i can't be like "well cuz it's the 3rd best ed psych program in the country" because i just can't say that. And i just always feel so....out of sorts around them. LIke i've literally lost the plot. like we are reading completely different books. And i want so much to give these kids the tools and to help their parents on a daily basis but it's so hard and it makes me feel kind of hopeless. Like, how did i end up here.

and then there is the whole gift giving thing. technically i am an adult, but in my family you rae not an official adult until you get married (blahhhh) so some of my aunts and uncles still give me money as gifts and i feel like, ok i'm too old for you to be giving me money like i'm one of the younger kids. adults don't get gifts/money. but then on the other hand it's like, but i actually really do need the money so i end up taking it and it all feels mildly humiliating. I mean, will i still be taking money when i'm 28? probably.

how does a phd explain what they do!?? like seriously, how. med students can say theya re gonna become doctors and law students can say they are gonna become lawyers. i say i'm getting my phd and peopel are like..."oh so wait, you didn't graduate from stnaford? oh so you are getting your ba again?" and i'm like...um no it's like a whole different degree. ok i can't put this into words anymore

merry christmas and all that jazz

dddddddddddddddddd runk

oh my god i am so drunk i could barely type in my password to log into blogger. i FEEL LIke i am at a point where i need to be a guest blogger to MYSELF!!!!!!!!

GRAD SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOO!!!!!!!

WE SHOULD MAKE T SHIRTS (that say GRAD SCHOOL....WOOOO).

ok end caps lock. my point being, i am hella drunk and had good times. tonight i drank with friedsn adn this random prof named chris peterson who i will eventually look up since he's like kind of a big deal. anyways he thought i was cool, and he was pretty cool too so i take that as validation that i'm like, a good person, that someone who is relatively awesome in his field thinks that i am awesome. did that sentence even make sense!??E#>#RJAKRKJJIE

ok but for reals....i had many things to say. i tried to photo document tonight but a little something known as "the tequila gimlett" got in the way as that quest was very quickly hindered by .....alcohol. that sentence was extremely redundant and yet.....

Ozan has video of me singing "careless whisper" ON KEY!!! I want to put it on You Tube but cathy has suggested otherwise. we'll see how i feel about this in sobriety. hugo drove me home and he randomly had Shai "if i ever fall in love" and we did what i consider in my humble opinion to be one of the best accapella renditions of "if i ever fall in love again" by Shai. LIke seriously i knew the harmonies LIKE WHAT!! and what was most amazing was that i hadn't heard this song in like 10 years and yet it was so fresh in my mind. i am a late 80's early 90's GODDDDDD!!!!!!!!! i AM SOOOO GOOD!!! I challenge YOU to challenge ME


2 more days and i'll be in SF with dr. love. i cant' wait. i might die....like in the ivan way.

time wasters!!!

to copy emily. i always think these things are kind of lame but it brought back so many memories and made me get excited for christmas so i thought i'd share

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? neither, I prefer diet coke or vodka during the holidays. But when i was a kid i guess it was just Coke.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? the old fashioned, big bulbed, what is now considered "retro", colored lights. I remember sometime around like 1999ish all the color left christmas and all we were left with was fake icicles and white trims and it's like..hello, we live in LA! let's stop pretending it's a winter wonderland and just fucking be gaudy and colorful! I won't let my parents buy white lights

4. Do you hang mistletoe? no, i tried too one year after learning about it on some tv show (which was basically where i got all of my references to normal American teen life) but then no one actually used it and i succumbed to the reality that my family is a little FOBy sometimes.

5. When do you put your decorations up? well before my mom got old and decided christmas was too stressful we used to do it the week after thanksgiving

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Tamales! and anything my mom cooks since this is the one time of year she will still cook for me. so in that respect this is not a holiday meal but it's pork in green or red salsa sauce. Ooh and posole!

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? the year I got to stay home alone, opened up all of my present very carefully, saw how awesome my gifts were, resealed and repackaged everything precisely and then pretended to be excited again on christmas eve. I felt so bad that i told my mom right after that i was lying and had already opened everything. She said my guilt and the fact that i spoiled my own christmas was punishment enough. never again! 2nd to that though was when i got a barbie pool party set. it was so awesome!

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? Sheila Calvario from across the street told me. She was 2 years older than me. But what she actually told me was "do you still believe in santa? it's ok if you do, but when you find out the truth I recommend you keep believing and acting surprised cuz then you get MORE presents!" I realized this was kind of dumb and that i'd get presents anyway so i told my mom she didn't have to sign stuff from santa anymore, she could just sign it from herself.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? midnight on christmas eve with the whole clan

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Hmm, well i have no money for trees and decorations but when my mom and i used to do it we have a mixture of 80's ornaments, random santas and baby jesuses, things from my youth like "baby's first ornament," and my hand print on clay and lights, no garland or tinsel. that's tacky. Sometimes we'd go to macy's and get ideas and decide to add really nice ribbon.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? can say now with full validation LOVE IT! but never had it during christmas

12. Can you ice skate? yes, but it's an activity i enjoy more in theory than in reality

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? oh haha, i said it already, but the barbie pool party cabana! it was a porch and it had a gate and a pool and lounge chairs and a bar and barbie and her friends could play and drink pina coladas (you think i'm lying). I actually hated barbie cuz she was blonde and ugly but i used midge and mitch for the barbie pool party and barbie was always denied entrance

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Getting to see my family all pretty and dressed up. Since i moved away 6 years ago i only get to see them a few times of year and this is one of the times when everyone is happy and we sing karaoke and carols and go to church and give each other gifts.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? hmmm, we don't really eat desert. BUT my mom lets us splurge and around this time my dad and i get bolillo (mexican bread, crusty on outside soft on inside) and then we eat it with cajeta (mexican carmel but it's more milky, popped in the microwave for just a few seconds). holy fuck it's good!

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? We all used to stand in front of the camera and sing really loud "feliz navidad" and other christmas songs like "the 12 days of christmas" and everyone would get a day, but most of my family has moderate accents so this was a riot because people couldn't pronounce things. so things like "3 french hens" became "treee frinch heeeens" or "6 geeeeses are laaaaajjjing" or the best was when my grandpa wouldn't even try to say "12 drummers drumming" he would just do the motion on his beer can. This tradition then evolved into my cousins and I organizing a christmas talent show to be performed in front of everyone, with lead guitar by my uncle Lou, from the band CLAW!! This then became our annual christmas karaoke singing contest. Jenny and I are lead singing champions. There is a lot of time to fill when you start a party at 7 and have to wait until midnight to open gifts.

17. What tops your tree? This really ugly angel with a candle that rotates back and forth. Everyone in my family has one so i guess we can't really get rid of it.

18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? Oh giving is way more awesome when you can find that gift that makes the person go "THANK YOU, JERRY!!" Like when it's something they didn't even know they wanted or needed.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? So many. Well anything from the Carpenters "christmas portrait" tape, which is what my mom used to play exclusively around christmas. I love the when Karen sings "i'll be home for christmas" in her soft dulcet tones. she makes me weep and it kind of all has way more meaning now that i live far away. Also the Judy Garland version of "have yourself a merry little christmas" from meet me in st. louise ALWAYS makes me weep buckets. AND "simply having a wonderful christmas time" by paul mccartney. Oh wait but more importantly i'd have to put wham, "last christmas" on here because it screams 80's.

to quote cher

so i'm taking a break from studying about PVEST model of something or other. PVEST is awesome and i will discuss it at length another time and how i have made a renewed vow to be "an agent of change for society." It's deep but i have something even deeper to discuss now.

It's like almost 10pm and this old couple came into the cafe. they have their canvas bags from the public library and the old man is reading a book and dipping biscotti in a latte. his wife is alternating between knitting what looks like a sleeve or a small sock and doing the crossword puzzle. is it just me or is this REALLY CUTE!! Do you think they do this every night? wouldn't you want to be this kind of old couple. The woman is wearing turquoise jewlery and the old man is reading some book called "island of desperation." I bet they have travelled a lot and settled in ann arbor. Maybe he's an emeritus. as Cher in clueless once said "old people are sooo cute!"

coffee shop memoirs part II

I’m at my small asian coffee shop since I have decided to boycott sweetwaters during finals time because

a) they have like 3 outlets

b) it’s too much of a scene (go to be seen and heard. Look I’m studying! I’m at sweetwaters! I’m so hardcore!)

c) my asian coffee shop is cheaper

Anyways this place seems to be a little more family oriented as i always see parents bringing in thier kids. Like this woman i'm sitting across from. I'm guessing she's either a grad student or a professor and she's on her laptop doing work, drinkign coffee, and her son is about 10 and he's drinking hot chocolate from a coffee mug and doing some type of reading for fun. I imagine this is how academics spend quality time and bond with their kids. And i imagine it must be so cool for the kids because they get to pretend to be "doing work like my mom" and they drink "kids coffee." Like earlier this woman had her 2 really cute sons and she was like "ok after this we can either go home, take a walk around town, or take a ride on the bus." And her sons were like "THE BUS!! I WANT TO RIDE THE BUS!!" And i imagine this is pretty standard if you are a kid growing up in a college town, you go to coffee shops with your mom in the middle of the afternoon and get excited about riding the bus around town. I see stuff liek this alot and i wonder, if this what my kids lives are gonna be like? I think most academic parents spend all their time in their offices and not enough time with their kids. not that we have time to like play and run and skip and do all that crap. but just including your kids is really nice

I'm having flashbacks to when my dad would take me to work and we’d have bonding time together. My dad has been crazy busy my whole life, leaving the house at 5:30am and coming home at 9 every night. I mean I guess you have to work pretty damn hard to have people dedicate haiku’s to you . But despite all of that I think we still spent a lot of time together. He used to take me to work during the summer and on my vacation breaks from school and i would help him and we didn't really talk much but i felt liek he taught me lessons in life just by watching him. I really understood how hard he worked to get where he was and it made me appreciate him and i understood that when he was busy he really was busy, and he would tell me while we were working that he worked hard so that i wouldn't have to. And i used to say "but papi, am i going to get the lunch truck when you retire? who is going to take over? do you want me to take it over?" and he woudl say "Mija, you are better than that. I would be disappointed if after all of my hard work you ended up doing what i do." My dad wasn't a professor and he's never worn a suit to work but he understood that it's importnat to include your kids. And then on saturdays when my mom needed alone time we would get in my dad's fiat and drive down to the beach and eat clam chowder and my dad would read the newspaper and i'd read the comics and it was awesome.

so i guess what i'm saying is, i would like to be the kind of professor who takes their kids to coffee shops and spends quailty time with them.

3 snaps in a Z formation

http://www.radaronline.com/radar-reviews/

scroll down to the 2nd one. I'VE BEEN PUBLISHED. Sweet! thanks Rach! Dubbs dubbs this is like a legit magazine so snaps to me. My friend is the editor of this section but NOT THE POINT. also snaps to ms. Wood who was also published if you scroll down further.

anyways i would also like to give a shout out to my boo, David who delivered his first baby last night. When i asked him what it was like he said "it was like catching a football...only it was coming out of a giant vagina!" ah the miracle of life. Anyways as bobby would say, 2 e props and 3 snaps for Dr. Love.

and guys, please please please start commenting. Whether I knwo you or not. I feel so lonely in this blogosphere thing we call the internet. send me love and eprops.


edit HERE is the link

The greatest lesson I will ever teach you

dude, 2 words, VODKA GIMLET.

ok for reals though, I have meant to write about this. A long time ago, i believe it was tory who spoke to me of the gimlet but i never really look her advice to heart. But over teh past few weeks i have been ordering them and I am a convert. It is vodka (or tequila or gin, but i prefer vodka) with just a SPLASH litrrrrrrally of lime juice. So in the end you pay a little bit more but you get more liquor for your bang. And what a bang it is. Tonight i met 2 HELLA cool gays. they are both from the tropics, Trinidad and Haiti. finally i meet the gays! we are all going to a party tomorrow so we'll see how that goes.

But guys, seriously, my only statement as to say I recommend if you want to get drunk for less money, order the vodka gimlet. It has the cristina seal of approval on it, and I know my cocktails.

VODKA GIMLET!!!

ok sidenote, i also just like saying the word "gimlet." It makes me feel british like "halllo guvna!"